The third trimester shows up at my doorstep and…oh, hey, I remember you. Long time no see. And you brought me presents!
Wow, why are you in such a hurry to dump out your goody bag? You just got here. Take a load off.
What’s this? You’re outfitting me with some snazzy new aches and pains? You shouldn’t have. Round ligament pain and that joint pain in the hips? Both, all for me. You’re too generous.
Oh, and swelling…you can hang onto that until later. We have a lot of summer left. Wouldn’t want to plow through all the fun now, would we?
And wait. Is that a stretch mark? Put that back in your suitcase, Mr. Third Trimester. I won’t be needing any of those. This is my third baby, so my skin is all stretchy already. And I’m older now, so my skin isn’t all tight and resistant like it was when you tried to give me those at 26. We’ve had this conversation before. Keep them. Your stretch marks are no good here. Away now…atta boy.
(Yes, I said Mr. Third Trimester. Of course the third trimester is a man. Duh.)
You’d like what? All of my patience? Well, I need to keep at least some of it. I spend 24 hours a day, seven days per week with two other kids who very much enjoy a patient mom. What’s that? You just want to stash it away for a while? Come on, it’s not for me. Think about them.
I see you’ve helped yourself to some of my lung capacity. You see, I have, like, 50% more blood to oxygenate now, but my lungs won’t get any bigger. So I need all the lung power I can get. Plus, huffing and puffing (and sweating, because it’s July) is incredibly unbecoming. Really, this is air we’re talking about. Don’t make me argue. This could get ugly. You took my patience, remember?
You greedy sonofa…you want my energy, too? Oh, you didn’t read the memo – I’m not really supposed to drink coffee so you’ll have to leave the natural energy with me. I need to go take a nap, but we’re going to discuss this RIGHT AFTER I wake up, understood?
Well, this is something new…some sixth sense for newborn babies? You’re telling me I now notice diaper commercials and newborns at the grocery store more than others might notice? I don’t know, I think I’ve always noticed — OHLOOKADABABY! Our new little baby is coming like really really soon, huh?
You’re here with your bag of tricks and I’m just complaining, when your arrival means that our baby’s arrival is right around the corner. And babies are amazing and wonderful and…oh, Third Trimester, my apologies. Come put your feet up. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. (As long as it’s no longer than 13 weeks, mkay?)